Do Not Feed the Birds


Outdoors. English springtime afternoon. An old lady sits on a bench beneath a tree, throwing crumbs to the birds and the background.

POLICEMAN:   Yes, we have learned a lot from psychotherapy and its relation to criminality. It’s given us a great insight into the human psyche, which, in turn allows us to do our jobs more effectively.

REPORTER:     Could you elaborate on that?


REPORTER:   (impatiently) What discoveries have been made? How have they improved policing?

POLICEMAN: (smiling smugly) Oh, well for instance we have completely revolutionised how we go about making an arrest. We have managed to reduce distress to the public, the perp, and the officer in one fell swoop, in turn making massive savings on resources and manpower.

REPORTER:   I see, and how exactly as this been achieved?

POLICEMAN:   Well, after the brief spell of anarchy across the nation, last summer – you know when we shot that black guy… we realised the Public had no respect for the police force, they saw us as mobsters, baton-swinging, protester beating, armed and armoured bullies.

REPORTER:   I see.

POLICEMAN:   Studies into the human condition during arrest have revealed that people become violent when they are threatened with violence and physical restriction. Obviously, we have to cuff them and detain them to complete and arrest.

REPORTER: (nodding in agreement) Obviously.

POLICEMAN:   Well, we realised, when a civilian sees a man approaching them, with stab-proof body-armour, truncheon, shield and pepper spray, they feel intimidated. And when we speak to them in a forceful and authoritative manner, they feel threatened. It’s when they are threatened they’re at the most dangerous. That’s when they resist arrest and it can often take six or seven officers to implore a man to stop resisting. Costly in both time and money.

REPORTER:   I see, and how did you get around this?

POLICEMAN:   (smiling smugly/furtively leans towards Reporter)

Well, and this is the really clever bit, we don’t let them see us coming…

REPORTER: What? You don’t let them see… I’m afraid I don’t understand.

POLICEMAN: That way they remain placid until they no longer pose a threat. If I could direct your attention, P.C Hugh is about to make an arrest over there…


…The Camera pans round to the lady sitting beneath a tree, she is feeding the ducks, wind rustles in riverside willows. Suddenly, P.C Hugh swings down from a tree branch drop-kicking her in the face. She lays face-down, motionless. P.C Hugh cuffs her limp wrists behind her back. The woman stays face down. The camera pans round to a sign…




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